A few of you have recently had experiences where your husband gets strangely aggressive quite suddenly and it’s scary and strange. I wanted to share that this seems to be a shared experience that’s happening at least partially on a collective level. I’m not sure exactly what the implications of that are, but I want you to know that you aren’t alone and that other women are going through the same thing. I also want to take a good look at what I’ve been practicing and recommending and make sure that I’m considering all possibilities when encouraging a “shake up” of dynamic. I wasn’t ever intending for things to be so shaken that men are willing to lash out violently. Regardless of my personal reflection in my role on this, I want to say this very clearly: There is NEVER ANYTHING that you could do that would justify him abusing you in any way. He is 100% responsible for how he uses his strength – physically, emotionally, and mentally. He has a responsibility to be your provider and protector and never harm you. He is responsible for being in control of his body and his actions at all times. Assuming you have never been violent toward him, there is nothing you have ever done that is comparable to causing harm like that to someone you love. We need to demand this level of respect. We cannot tolerate being mistreated anymore and they sense that and it’s very threatening so they are lashing out. But regardless of our role, it’s still their responsibility to be in control of themselves instead of in control of us. This is all about control.
When you really start to nourish yourself and you start becoming more emotionally independent, they can sense that you won’t really need them in the same way you used to when you were co-dependent and constantly preoccupied with his emotional state. You not needing him will set off all of his fears about you not needing him. SO now you are feeling good, and he is feeling freer so you aren’t fighting but now he sees you being happy on your own and he’s like Oh no! Insecurities!! And he’s lashing out on those (insecurities like you are cheating on him, you don’t need him anymore, you are secretly angry, pick your poison). SO that’s what’s up with that. He might be so overwhelmed with his emotions that he can’t make any sense of them and expresses them in harmful ways, which is on him and he needs to apologize if we are to continue. OK so, once the apology is out of the way, what next….
Next, we need to have the conversation about where we are going with this. How what happened wasn’t acceptable for anyone to treat anyone. How it was a bad example for the kids to see. Or as a demonstration of how he feels about you. If he feels negative feelings about you, he needs to find a better/more evolved way to express them. He can come to you when he is calm and make his case and proceed from there. Negative physical interaction is never an option. It is illegal and you can call the police. He cannot use physical force or emotional manipulation to control you. His attempts will never be successful because that’s not where we are in history anymore. You are in control of your life and you will do what is best for you and you will absolutely love your life whether he is in it or not.
That said, you would prefer if he was in it. So the next step is to do whatever you need to do to get to a place where you can receive him. You will need to do some restoration work. Is this fair? Absolutely not. Is this your responsibility? Nope. But you are going to do it anyway. And here’s why: this is your life and you want it to be thoroughly good, you want your relationships to be good, you want goodness in your life and now you need to invest in that reality for yourself which means practicing forgiveness, love, kindness, understanding, empathy, love, receptivity, flirting. Be receptive to his goodness and ignore when he doesn’t bring his best self. You are only here for the best. You aren’t going to participate in anything less. You are bringing your best self and she is very confident and has quite high standards for herself and how people treat her.
So now is a time to really Rise Above. Rise Above your desire to be right, rise above your desire to want things to be fair, rise above his bad attitude. You are raising your standards for your own thoughts.
This is an extinction burst. In behavioral psychology an extinction burst is when things get worse before they get better. The ego has a ton of investment in maintaining itself, by changing up your habits and the way your respond to him and other situations (also consider that many of your partners don’t know that you are working with me so your likely triggering fear) this is his last ditch effort to bait you into the old song and dance that you both hate. View old stuff as bait to get you back involved in the bad old days but you don’t do that anymore. An extinction burst is an actual psychological phenomena that happens when the escalation dynamic changes. Google it and read some articles– it’s pretty fascinating. Your positioning at this moment is very important and extremely counterintuitive and is going to force you to grow into a new role. His extinction burst signals the end of an era if all goes well so you definitely want to be strategic in your position and use this an intimacy building moment. You will get through this. It’s a test of your faith and a test of your consistency and commitment to being a new kind of person as well as your commitment to being in a relationship with him.
You are an excellent partner, friend, woman, lover, wife. (Pick your cure.) See yourself as someone who doesn’t trifle. You are serious about loving and you do it. You accept him as someone with flaws. You still love him. You still think he’s funny and cute and has good taste in music or whatever it is. Value him like you value yourself. Be with him. Be present, be loving and lovable. Be generous and caring even when he doesn’t deserve it. Be as consistent as possible. Process your negative emotions elsewhere (a trusted friend, here, a journal). Bring your best self and be confident that he will continue to love you as your best self, even if he doesn’t know that yet. Even if he is scared. Even if you are scared that you won’t love him the same way. Well, you’re right. It’s going to be a completely new kind of love, maybe one you’ve never experienced. And you’ll never go back. But there will always be struggles and each on teaches us it’s own lesson. This lesson is about respecting you but also being someone worthy of that respect at the very same time.
Blessings. Love you. I’m here when you need me. <3